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Dear Solutions:

I’m about to marry a widower (I’m divorced) who has a very large beautiful house.

My fiancé lived there with his wife and children all through the years and even has an office there. He wants me to move into the house, but I’m very nervous about it.

I want him to sell it, and we’re beginning to argue about it. His wife’s furnishings are everywhere, and I feel her in every room. His sons definitely feel like it’s “their” house.

He insists that it’s practical to live there, and jokingly calls it his “Cozy Cottage.” It’s tempting because it’s very beautiful, but I don’t know if I should give in. What do you think?

— Second Time Around

Dear Second:

Be careful. Sounds like his “Cozy Cottage” could become your “Haunted House”!

A house is not a home unless you can make it yours. I believe strongly that when two people are starting a new life together they should start it in a new place that will be theirs.

Not only do you feel like a stranger in that house, but even if you refurnish, his sons, who lived there with their mother, may look at you as an intruder and resent your presence.

Make it an exciting adventure to start out together in a new environment. A new marriage deserves a new home.

Dear Solutions:

I’m in a second marriage. My husband, who’s retired, goes to visit his children and grandchildren almost every Sunday because they live nearby. I go with him once in a while, but mostly I don’t because I love to have that day to myself.

He doesn’t object, but other people say it’s not right, and that I’m showing disrespect by not going with him. So now I feel guilty every time Sunday comes around. I guess people think I’m cold.

— Amy

Dear Amy:

Wrapping yourself in the guilt quilt will not make you feel warm. The only person you should concern yourself with is your husband, and he doesn’t object.

I’ll bet he likes to have that day to himself also. Don’t worry about what other people say. Just smile and say “that’s our arrangement,” or say nothing.

Some people, of course, love to feel guilty, so if you’re one of those, here comes Sunday — run for cover!

Dear Solutions:

I know this probably sounds stupid, but I can’t help my reactions. I’m divorced, and I’m going out with a man who is constantly doing what I suppose is considerate.

He runs to my side of the car to open the door for me. He takes my arm when we’re about to cross a street. He holds my elbow when I’m walking down the stairs and so on.

All of this just annoys me, and I don’t know why. My husband never did any of those things, and I always wanted him to. So why am I angry at a man who does it all?

— Jane

Dear Jane:

Because he’s not the man that you wanted to have those things done by — your ex-husband! You’re displacing your anger at your ex onto this poor man who’s trying so hard to please you.

At the same time, this kind of attention or “help” crossing streets or walking down stairs may be making you feel dependent and old just when you’re trying to become more independent as a divorced woman.

Try telling him that you appreciate his caring, but you want to feel more independent and need to do things under your own power.

If that doesn’t work, please publicize his number for all the women reading this while their mouths water!

© Helen Oxenberg, 2018. To inquire about reprint rights, call (609) 655-3684.