Joanne Steen was an electrical engineer until her husband, a reservist, died in a military training exercise. Today she’s a grief counselor who works with military families. Her survival guide for Gold Star families was published in May.

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On Memorial Day, most Americans will fire up the grill, invite their neighbors over for picnics or attend a Main Street parade.

But for families who have lost an adult child during military service, Memorial Day can be a piercing reminder of loss — as painful as their loved one’s birthday or anniversary of their death.

“The very images that are symbols of our country are very personal symbols of loss,” said Virginia author Joanne Steen. “With military loss you get innumerably more reminders every day.”

So this spring, Steen published a book for these families, We Regret to Inform You: A Survival Guide for Gold Star Parents and Those Who Support Them.

No one except Gold Star families can understand what it’s like to hear that knock at the door, to see the uniformed messenger, to get the unimaginable news that their child has lost their life for their country.

That knock on the door arrived for Steen one June afternoon in 1992. Steen’s husband, 35-year-old Navy reservist Ken Steen, had been killed in a routine training exercise. He and six others died when their helicopter exploded and crashed into the Lynnhaven River in Norfolk, Va.

The need for a manual

In the years that followed her husband’s death, Steen and other military widows formed a support group to help navigate their loss together.

“There’s a scarcity of books about military loss and survivors,” Steen said. “Someone in my widows’ group said, ‘We need to write this down. We need a manual.’”

We Regret to Inform You, published by Central Recovery Press, is Steen’s second such manual. After her husband died, she quit her job as an electrical engineer, began working as a grief counselor, and in 2001 started writing.

She first coauthored a 2006 book called Military Widows: A Survival Guide. Now, at the request of some of her workshop participants who had lost a child, she has published a survival guide for parents.

Steen spent three years searching for a publisher. Most rejected her manuscript as unnecessary “because the wars are ending,” she said.

But an average of three military service members die every day, Steen pointed out, and not always in combat. According to a Congressional Research Service report published last year, 72 percent of the 15,851 deaths since 2006 among active-duty personnel and mobilized reservists “occurred under circumstances unrelated to war.”

Other publishers said Steen’s book was unnecessary because parents of service members ought to be mentally prepared for the loss of the child. After all, they joined the military and took that risk.

But no one can adequately prepare for such a loss, Steen said, which is why her book is critical.

Unique kind of grief

Unlike other parents, Gold Star parents face a different set of emotional issues. “Not all losses are equal,” Steen said.

First, there’s the paperwork. Military families may never learn the exact details of their loved one’s death because they may be classified. “More often than not, you don’t find all the answers,” Steen said.

Then there’s what Steen calls “secondary losses,” such as the parents’ realization that they’ll never be grandparents.

In addition, being regularly confronted with symbols of America, from flags to national anthems, can remind them of their child.

But “there is hope,” Steen said. After many years, families can learn to live with their new reality, she believes. “You don’t get over your grief; you get through it. You learn to integrate some level of grief into your life.”

For Steen, like others who have been presented with a folded American flag, a military death can change the course of life.

“When Gold Star families go through that trauma, many of them want something good to come from that loss,” Steen said. “So many of them grow in ways they never thought they could.”

Steen’s books and workshops are her way of growing, sharing and helping others get through their grief.

What not to say

When talking to grieving families, Steen suggests that friends adhere to the 80/20 rule: Listen 80 percent of the time and talk 20 percent of the time.

But when you speak, be careful what you say. Steen, a popular lecturer, said one of her most requested courses is titled “Seven Things Not to Say.”

“We don’t know what to say, so there’s this unofficial set of clichés. They don’t help,” Steen said.

Here are some clichés to avoid:

“Time heals all wounds.”
“It was God’s will.”
“He’s happy wherever he is now.”
“Happy Memorial Day.”
“I’m glad you have other children.”
“I know exactly how it feels.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“You’ve got to move on with your life.”

Learn what to say in Steen’s book, available on Amazon.