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Dear Solutions:
My sister’s friend died recently. My sister, who considered this person her best friend, can’t seem to get over it. She says she has no one to really talk to anymore.

I thought we were always close, and I feel a little insulted. I told her she still has me to talk to, and she just said it’s not the same. I thought a sister is closer than a friend.

I would like to understand her attitude better, and I would like to comfort her without resenting it. How can she feel closer to a friend than to a sister?

— The Sister

Dear Sister:

Well, for one thing, she could talk about you to a friend! If she talked about you to you, there might be all kinds of sibling “stuff” to deal with.

The real difference is that a close friend is one step outside the emotional circle of family and can therefore be neutral territory.

Close friends can share the stories of their lives without feeling they’re betraying anyone. They can look for and hope for honest reactions. They can laugh together and cry together. That’s what friends do.

Let go of your resentment. Tell your sister that you understand her grief and you’re there for her whenever she needs you.

Dear Solutions:
I have different kinds of friends, and one of them whom I love dearly is loud and not too “cultured or refined,” but good-hearted and loads of fun.
One of my old friends from school days told me recently that I should be aware that people will judge me as being the same as her if I keep being friends with her. “You know,” she said with a very smug look, “birds of a feather…”
I’m having a party and I was planning to invite both of these friends. Should I tell them they’re both invited?

— Rhoda

Dear Rhoda:

You’re your own bird. Don’t worry about being judged the same as your “loud” friend — or the same as your “smug” friend, for that matter.

When birds of a feather “flock together,” they can be pretty boring because they’re all the same. A different feather enlivens the scene.

Invite them both without any apologies or request for permission. If your smug friend doesn’t like it, open the window so she can fly away.

© Helen Oxenberg, 2019. Questions to be considered for this column may be sent to: The Beacon, P.O. Box 2227, Silver Spring, MD 20915. You may also email the author at helox72@comcast.net. To inquire about reprint rights, call (609) 655-3684.