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Dear Solutions:
I hope you can help me find a better way to react to my husband when he blames me for things and yells and screams at me.
We went to dinner with two other couples, and I wanted to order a clam appetizer. The other two women wanted to share it, so we ordered it for the three of us. When the other two men saw it, they wanted it also and decided to order it for the three of them to share.
My husband hates clams, but he said nothing, let them order it, made a gesture of eating some, and then sat in a glum, silent mood all evening.
When we got home, he exploded at me, yelling that I had no right ordering clams when I know he hates them, and that I gave the idea to the others.
He carries on this way every time something goes wrong and blames me. When this happens, I start shaking and crying and feel sick.
I don’t say anything because a day or so later he brings flowers and apologizes, but I know it will happen again.
It’s happening more and more. What should I do?

— Donna

Dear Donna:
Don’t clam up — speak up! Your husband will not take responsibility for his own actions or inaction as long as he can bully and scream at you and get away with it.

He has temper tantrums like a spoiled child or, more threateningly, like an abusive husband.

Tell him, before another incident happens, that you will not accept blame for anything you didn’t do, and you will not hang around to watch or listen to his tantrums. Abuse, unless stopped in its tracks, does not get better. It often erupts into physical violence.

Insist that he go for therapy. If he refuses, get out — there’s no gain in this pain.

Dear Solutions:
Very soon after my good friend died, her husband remarried. Now he’s becoming more and more disabled and is having a lot of trouble walking.
At a meeting the other night, we saw him having a hard time while this new wife just sat there and didn’t even try to help him. I wanted to poke her and tell her to help him.
I think we — the old friends — should say something to her about how inconsiderate she’s being, but my husband says no. I thought I could just say nicely, “Doesn’t he need help? I think you should help him.”
He limps and wobbles when he walks. What do you think?

— Old Friend

Dear Old Friend:

No matter how he “limps and wobbles” it’s his limp and his wobble, and therefore his independence. Many handicapped people would rather struggle than accept help because that struggle still allows them to hold onto a feeling of control.

Give “this new wife,” as you describe her, the benefit of the doubt and assume that she knows whether he wants help or not.

Don’t ask her. That would sound as if he’s a child and she’s his mother. You can only ask him if he wants help, and then respect his wishes.

It’s hard to lose a good friend and then see someone else taking her place. But if this man is also a friend of yours, be happy for him that he’s found a companion.

Too fast? For mature adults, even fast can sometimes feel too slow.

Dear Solutions:

I met a man at a program that I attended recently. He was very, very attentive and flattering to me, and kept insisting that we should see each other in the future.
He lives in a different state, though, and instead of making arrangements, he just keeps calling and talking on the phone.
Should I volunteer to travel to his state to meet with him since he doesn’t say anything about coming to me? He’s still very flattering, but I’m a little cautious now because people at the program who knew him warned me that he’s what they called “an operator.”

— Gladys

Dear Gladys:

Trouble is, he’s a long distance operator! Suggest once that he come to your state or that you meet halfway. If he says no, hang up. He’s the wrong number.

© Helen Oxenberg, 2018. Questions to be considered for this column may be sent to: The Beacon, P.O. Box 2227, Silver Spring, MD 20915. You may also email the author at helox72@comcast.net. To inquire about reprint rights, call (609) 655-3684.